Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church's pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point. Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately thrown out of the church basement. The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is " Fiji Islands ".
Two nuns walk through a park at night when a guy jumps out of the bushes and rapes one of them. She finally gets away, goes back to the other nun and says, "How am I going to tell the head priest that I was raped twice in one night?" The other nun says, "What do you mean twice?" And the first nun says, "Well, we're walking back this way, aren't we?"
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of twenty and fifty dollar bills. He asks his wife, "What's up with all the bills?"
To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator." "Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
What type of pants does someone wear if only one of their four grandparents is Jewish ? Corduroy (oooyyy!)
Al Gore claimed the massage therapist misunderstood when he asked her "what impact a Hummer has on his world."
What do General McChrystal and Marianne Faithfull have in common?
They both got effed by the Rolling Stones.
I went to a new doctor the other day and found the doctor to be a young, drop-dead gorgeous female!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Why did Michael J. Fox have to go to traffic court? For his "parking sins."
Two guys in a bar in Miami's South Beach talking: The first guy says, "I relocated to Miami from Fall River, Mass after my mill caught fire and burnt to the ground. I got $3M for the old building and all its contents." The second guy says, "I relocated to Miami from Warwick, RI after my hairdressing shop was washed away in a flood. I got $4M for the store and all its contents." After a few minutes, the guy from Mass says, "How do you start a flood?
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
A married couple were lying in bed one night after the husband just installed a satellite dish. He said, "Wow, we get so many channels". Finally his wife said, "Stop flipping through the channels". He said, "I can't make up my mind what to watch, porno or golf". She said, "Watch porno, you're good at golf."
A man from Thailand spent three extra years in an Indonesian prison because of a typo. It turns out he only roped a cow.
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Did you hear about the funeral service in Poland this past weekend for the Polish president that had died in a plane crash last week?
They had a 21 gun salute - and SHOT DOWN 3 MORE PLANES!
What part of a man's body shouldn't move when he's dancing with a woman? His bowels.
I was getting a massage and I asked the masseuse if it was normal for a man to get an erection during the massage. He replied that it was. So I asked if he could get it out of my face.
Did you hear the Warwick Mall is having a sale? They're trying to liquidate everything.
One night about 3 AM, a father calls the family doctor, frantic. "Doctor you gotta help us! My 3 year old son just swallowed a condom. What do we do?" The doctor tells the man to calm down and to give him a minute to think about it. The doctor considers the options - make him throw it up? will it pass through? is he allergic to latex? After a few minutes, the doctor gets back on the phone to ask the father more questions. But before he could ask, the father says "Oh, it's OK now doctor. Thanks anyway." The doctor asks "Why? Did he throw it up?" The father replies "Huh? Oh, no, I don't think so. We found another one."
A guy and his wife are eating at a Chinese buffet. The Chinese owner comes over and asks, "How you rike the meal?" The guy says, "To be honest, the chicken is very rubbery." The owner says, "Ooh, thank you! Your wife very rubbery too!"
Tom had this problem of not sleeping well and then getting up late in the morning. He was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. Tom went to his doctor.
The doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
My girlfriend went to the doctor because she was concerned she had PMS. After the exam, the doctor told her, "The good news is, you don't have PMS. The bad news is, you're a bitch."
What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have "Mexicans" tattooed all over him.
TIED THIS WEEK FOR BEST JOKE, BOTH FROM SAME LISTENER
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance, and falls out of the boat. Stash says, "What should we do?" Kowalski says, "You better jump in and help him. He's been under a long time." So Stash jumps in, and after a while, he comes back up with Fred, and they drag him back into the boat. Stash says, "What do we do now? It doesn't look like he's breathing." Kowalski says, "You better give him mouth to mouth." Stash starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa! I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Kowalski says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
What do Martha Coakley and a Georgian luger have in common? They should both pay more attention to the poles.
The economy is so bad that Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen!
A group of 40 year old buddies met and discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
It's been reported that a woman is now trying to sell a sex tape she made with Tiger Woods. The sex tape will be available soon at adult bookstores in the Tiger Woods' section.
My buddy, Bob, always wanted to skydive and one day decides to try it. He goes to a skydiving school and wants to try a tamdem dive in which the instructor is strapped to his back. Bob and his instructor go up in the plane and when they reach the right altitude, they jump out of the plane. While freefalling the instructor says to Bob, "Do you know the difference between a hard-on and a Ferrari?" Bob replies, "Um..no" The instructor responds, "I don't have a Ferrari!"
A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle. Waking up, he asks the doctor how it went. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we were able to save your private parts." "That's great," said the soldier. "What's the bad news?" The doctor relpied, "The bad news is, we put them under your pillow."
A farmer is arrested for having sex with his cow. When he stands before the judge, the judge asks him, "Son, what were you thinking having sex with a cow?" The farmer replies, "Your Honor, I reckon I was thinkin' she was a younger, prettier cow."
Two prisoners were being executed. "Any last requests?" asked the jailer. "Yes" replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play "Everything I do" by Bryan Adams". And the second prisoner said "Could you kill me first"?
HERE'S THE TIGER JOKE E-MAILED TO US MORE THAN ANY OTHER THIS WEEK (Based on an old Eddie Murphy joke. Note original ending below...)
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
The original ending to this old joke:
When the teacher turns her back, Johnny rolls 2 black balls down the aisle toward her.
She sees them and says: "OK, WHO'S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?"
And Johnny says: "EDDIE MURPHY. CAN I GO NOW?"
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three ho's.
What did all the people who lost in tournaments to Tiger Woods ask his wife? How do you beat him?
Why do little Portuguese boys grow mustaches? So they can use their mom's ID.
Why was the band N'Sync named N'Sync? Because they all got their periods at the same time.
A guy says to his wife, "If I won the lottery, what would you do?" She replies, "I'd take half and leave you." So the guy says, "Great. I just won 12 bucks in the lottery. Here's six. Now get the hell out."
A guy joins the Navy, and hears from his friends all of the jokes about homosexuality in the service. On his first day, a captain walks in when he's in the shower. The new recruit says, "Keep away from me. I know what goes on in the Navy." The captain says, "That's nonsense. All of that stuff happened in the old days, but not in today's modern Navy." He added, "We've got steel ships, nuclear power... heck, we've even got wheels on these ships so we can roll right up onto shore." And the recruit says, "I didn't know that." So the captain says, "Stick your head out that port hole. You'll see the wheels yourself." So the recruit looks out the porthole and says, "I don't see any WHEEEEEELS!"
What makes a Gibson guitar better than an ex-wife? You can put your hands around the neck without going to jail.
A young couple is on their honeymoon. After having great sex, the husband says to the wife, "Now, you won't see me for awhile." Upset, the wife says, "What do you mean? We're on our honeymoon! Where do you think you're going?" "Nowhere, sweetheart," said the husband. "Turn over."
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
What's the only pick-up line guaranteed to work every time? Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Manny gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Manny, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Manny replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Manny's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Manny's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Manny, how is your hearing now?" Manny says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
A 10 year-old kid's mother is at work, and he's off the wall, jumping on the couch, out of control. The father, at wit's end, gives the kid a dollar and says, "Go into town and buy a dollar of 'what's what.' So the kid goes to every store he can find and asks for 'what's what.' The store owners say, "What do you mean, 'what's what'? get outta' here, kid." The kid's about to give up when he rings a random doorbell of a home. A naked woman answers. The boy looks at her and says, "What's that?" She replies, "what's what?" So the kid says, "Excellent. I'll take a dollar's worth, please."
CLASSIC MARRIAGE QUOTES
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
A guy's sitting in a Louisville restaurant. The waitress asks him what he wants for dessert. So he looks over at Rick Pitino's table and says, "I'll just have what he's having."
What's the difference between an American girl and an Iraqi girl? American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.
What's the ultimate internet pick-up line? "Hey, baby - wanna' come back to MySpace so you can Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?"
Breaking news following Michael Jackson's death: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!
Other great Michael Jackson death jokes:
Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.
Michael Jackson's last words: Take me to the Children's Hospital!!
Michael Jackson's last words: Take me to the Children's Hospital!!
What was Michael Jackson's last hit? The floor!
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She says, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and asks, "Is that true? The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
Farrah Fawcett went to Heaven and got her wings. God said to her, "I will give you one wish." Farrah said, "I want all the children in the world to be safe." The next day, Michael Jackson died. So God said to Michael Jackson, "I feel bad about taking you so early, so I'll give you one wish." Michael said, "I always wanted to be white." So God thought for a few minutes and then finally said, "Get that Oxy-Clean Billy Mays guy up here."
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Bret Michaels, singer for the '80s hair-band Poison, suffered a broken nose when he was struck by a piece of descending scenery at the Tony Awards on Broadway. Sadly, the injury has robbed Michaels of his ability to smell desperate skanks from miles away.
What's the best way to own a small business these days? Buy a big one and be patient.
One day, a hippie was walking down the street, and spots a penny face up on the ground. "Hey," the hippie thinks, "that's some good luck!", so he picks it up and slips it in his pocket. As he rounds the corner, he bumps into a pixie, floating in mid-air.
"You're definitely in luck young man, because you just found MY lucky penny, and if you give it back, I'll give you two wishes." The hippie pulls out the penny and gives it back to the pixie, and then sits against a building to think for a minute.
The pixie patiently waited as the hippie pondered, and after a few minutes, he looks up and says "I wish I had a never ending joint!". The pixie grins mischievously and pulls a good-sized fatty out of her pocket. The hippie lights up, puffing once, twice, four times... After ten puffs, the joint hasn't burned down a bit, the cherry still sitting perfectly on the end.
At this point, the pixie is getting a little impatient, and taps the very stoned hippie on the shoulder- "Well, what's your second wish?" Without missing a beat, the hippie says "Dude, I want another one of these!"
Former Boston infielder Lou Merloni recently told reporters that the Red Sox taught players how to use steroids. Judging by his 14 career home runs, Merloni must have a learning disability.
To raise awareness for breast cancer, Major League Baseball used pink bats on Mother's Day. To raise for awareness for steroids, they used tiny, shrivelled balls.
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "what part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds, "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny , who responds: "That's easy, the pupil of the eye!" "That's correct, Johnny. Very Good!" Then turning to Jessica, she says: "I ve three things to say to you young lady...first, you didn't do your homework, second, you have a dirty mind and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
A man married a woman who had an identical twin, but less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. The judge said "tell the court why you want a divorce". "Well, your honor" the man said, "once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife look alike Id end up making love to her by mistake". "Surely there must be a difference between the 2 women" the judge said. "Youd better believe theres a difference" the man said, "Thats why I want a divorce!"
A guy is driving his kids through the desert in Texas and the first thing they see is a cowboy chasing a coyote down the street. The cowboy caught the coyote and started having sex with it in broad daylight in the middle of the street. The father got all irate and said, "I got to report this to the sheriff." He runs to the sheriff's office and on the way encounters an old man on a porch masturbating in public. When he gets to the sheriff’s office he’s steaming, “What kind of town is this? The first thing me and my kids see is a cowboy chasing a coyote down and having sex with it ! Then we saw an old man masturbating on his front porch! How do you explain it?" The sheriff says, "Well, at his age you can’t expect him to catch a coyote can you?"
A woman delivering a baby is screaming in agony. She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me!" The boyfriend replies, "Well, if you remember, I actually wanted to stick it up your (bleep), but you said that'd be too painful."
Two drunks were in a bar staring into their drinks, and one says to the other, "Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" And the other drunk says, "Sure, I was married to one for 15 years."
Two lesbians are siting in a bar when one spots another lesbian sitting across the room. One of the lesbians at the bar says to the other, "She's hot!" To which her friend replies, "Don't bother with her. She's hung like a donut."
A couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.
After listening to their complaints, the therapist suggested they try a new position.
"For example," the therapist said, "you might try the wheel- barrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."
When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying this new idea right away.
"Well, all right," the hesitant blonde wife said, "but only on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away."
"OK, honey," the husband said. "What's the second condition?"
The wife replied, "You just have to promise we won't go past my mother's house!"
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Did you hear what they're going to name the new Yankee Stadium? The House That Juice Built.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN Detroit Police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Detroit River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.
An old retired couple is reminiscing about the past and the wife says, "You know, all those years you travelled on business to foreign, exotic places, you never brought me back anything." And the husband looks at her and says, "Yeah, I guess I was just lucky."
The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US . The team signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason. Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation -scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time." The young Iraqi is very upset, "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry? You're sorry? !!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
What do Rhode Island teachers tell their students on Wednesday? "Have a great weekend."
Two whales are sitting in a bar, and one whale says to the other one, (make repeated whale call sounds). And the other whale says, "Man, you are drunk!"
A guy booked himself into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Why can't a fat guy ever make it through a porno? Because he ejaculates when the pizza guy shows up.
President-Elect Obama was wondering what kind of dog to get his family for the White House, so he asked Bill Clinton for advice. Clinton told him that a husky female goes well in the Oval Office.
What do you call a leper in a car accident? A puzzle.
What did Michael Jackson give his kids for Halloween? Blow Pops.
What do parents say to lawyers that should be illegal? My son's just a juvenile. Do you think you can get him off?
A stockbroker's comment on the recent meltdown on Wall Street, 'This is worse than a divorce…..I have lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.'
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?" The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!" The first one says, with eyes wide, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." The second one smiles and pats him on the back, saying "Good idea! Order one and, if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."Three weeks later, the younger redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now.I got her clothes yesterday !
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus. If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Why did Paul have a black eye after going on a fishing trip with Al? Because when Al told Paul he needed to take a leak, Paul said, "Okay, do you want me to hold your rod while you go?"
How do you know you have a Rambo gerbil? He goes in and brings two friends out.
Did you hear Chuck Norris once had a "who has more testicles contest" with Lance Armstrong? Chuck won by five.
Why is Fall River the best place on earth? Because it's the only place where you can get a B.J., a bag of heroin, and a chourico sandwich all for 20 bucks, and all on the same corner.
My mother got breast cancer and had to have one breast removed. You know what I got her?
A part-time job at Hooters.
Why did David Lee Roth need a squirt gun? Because that's the only way he's getting girls wet these days.
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better." Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?" The second guy replies, "You were right."
A woman took a vacation to France with one of her girl- friends. Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?" The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!" The lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal. Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Really great, I loved Paris." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for....the French girl?" "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
What's the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the fist time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
A woman talking to her friend says, "I really have to be careful not to get pregnant." The friend says, "Why? I thought your husband got a vasectomy." And the woman says, "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean."
Did you hear the good news? martians have landed in California. They're eating politicians, peeing gasoline, and they're headed east.
What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary? Morning sickness.
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist. "Six pence," says the pharmacist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence," says the pharmacist. The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. "The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
A judge says to the prostitute, "So, when did you realize you were raped? The prostitue, wiping away tears, says, "When the check bounced."
The Pope called his Mom after being elected Pope. He said, "Ma, I've got some good news and some bad news." His mother says, "Well, what's the good news?" He says, "The good news is, I've been elected Pope." His mother responds, "So, what's the bad news?" And he says, "The bad news is, I have to move into an Italian neighborhood."
How are breasts and martinis the same? One's not enough, and three is too many.
A boss told his employees that he is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?" The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
What did they call the guy who buried the Red Sox jersey under the new Yankee Stadium? The "Jersey Barrier."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother said, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father said, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his."
A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband. Having had more than a few drinks, the divorced man said to the new husband in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like second-hand merchandise?" The new husband smiled and said, "Not bad at all. Everything after the first few inches is brand new."
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "Sir, you have to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why, doc?" And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"
An old man went to a wizard and asked if he could remove a curse the man had been living under for the past 40 years. "Maybe," the wizard said. "But you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." Without hesitation, the old man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
When Bill Clinton was in office, why did Hillary always wear a turtleneck when she was behind him? So no one would see her Adam's apple moving up and down.
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage "Did you see me rob the bank". The hostage answered "Yes", so the robber shot him. He then asked the second hostage, did you see me rob the bank". The hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did".
An old couple had fallen on hard times so the husband says to the wife, “Well, it’s time to hit the streets and earn some money the old fashioned way.”
The woman agrees and she goes out the next day.When she comes back her husband asks, “Well, honey, how’d you do?”
She says, “I did okay, I earned $25.25.”
The husband asks, “25 cents?Who the hell gave you a quarter?”
“Every one of ‘em!”
What do Massachusetts and the Clintons have in common?
They both have ugly Chelseas.
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed trying to sleep, but can't because of listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I moved the dog to OUR backyard, let's see how THEY like it".
A guy gets arrested in nebraska for having sex with a cow. The judge brings him into the courtroom and says, 'Son, sex with a cow? What the heck were you thinkin'?" And the guy says, "Your honor, I reckon I was thinkin' of a younger, much hotter cow at the time."
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files and replies - "Oh, yes, here it is: The job entails you getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
What did cavemen call Tyranasaurus Rex? Aaaaauuuuuugghhhh!!!!!!!!
John was on his deathbed and gasped, "Give me one last request, dear."
"Of course," his wife said.
"Six months after I die I want you to marry Bob."
"Bob!" the wife said, "But I thought you hated Bob!"
With his last breath he said, "I do."
The RI State Wage & Hour Department claimed a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. The agent said he needed a list of employees and how much he paid them. The farmer said, “There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 2 years, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife once in a while.” “That's the guy I want to talk to,” the agent said. “The half-wit.”
“That would be me.”
I recently purchased a teddy bear for ten bucks. I named if Mohammed, then sold it for twenty. The question is: Have I made a prophet?
What makes the Mayor of Providence superior to an ordinary man? An ordinary man, his mother bore him. But the Mayor of Providence, all women bore him.
A priest walks up to the Pope and asks, "Am I gay?" The Pope responds, "No, gays are an abomination to God. You're just a child molester."
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Depression Help Hotline. I was routed through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a airplane...
Two guys are sitting at a bar, and one guy is whining, "My wife divorced me, left me, and took everything." And the other guys says, "Hey, stop your whining. My wife took everything and she's still with me."
After the Pats/Colts game in Indy, Randy Moss is walking off the field when he finds a cell phone on the ground. He opens it up, looks at it, and immediately runs over to the head referree and says, "Here. I found your phone." The ref looks at Randy and says, "Thanks, but how did you know it was mine?" Randy replies, "When I opened it up, it said 'you have eight missed calls.'"
A guy's sitting at a bar and he sees a car salesman who looks very depressed. So the guy asks the salesman what's wrong, and he says, "If I don't sell more cars, I'm gonna' lose my ass." Then the guy sees a gorgeous blond sitting at the bar who also looks very sad. He asks her what's wrong, and she says, "If I don't sell more ass, I'm gonna' lose my car."
How do you know there's a pilot at a party? Don't worry - he'll tell you.
A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did ya larn in algebra class today, boy?" "Wahl, I learned Pi R Square," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think Ah'm stoopid, but everbody knows that pie are round."
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
How many Providence Place Mall security guards does it take to change a lightbulb? Light bulb? What light bulb? We don't see any light bulbs.
A squirrel and a trombone player are both hit by a car. What's the difference between the two? The squirrel was on his way to a gig.