The original ending to this old joke:

 

When the teacher turns her back, Johnny rolls 2 black balls down the aisle toward her.

She sees them and says: "OK, WHO'S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?"

And Johnny says: "EDDIE MURPHY. CAN I GO NOW?"

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after three ho's.


What did all the people who lost in tournaments to Tiger Woods ask his wife?
How do you beat him?


Why do little Portuguese boys grow mustaches?
So they can use their mom's ID.


Why was the band N'Sync named N'Sync?
Because they all got their periods at the same time.


A guy says to his wife, "If I won the lottery, what would you do?" 
She replies, "I'd take half and leave you." 
So the guy says, "Great.  I just won 12 bucks in the lottery.  Here's six.  Now get the hell out."


A guy joins the Navy, and hears from his friends all of the jokes about homosexuality in the service.  On his first day, a captain walks in when he's in the shower.  The new recruit says, "Keep away from me.  I know what goes on in the Navy." The captain says, "That's nonsense.  All of that stuff happened in the old days, but not in today's modern Navy."  He added, "We've got steel ships, nuclear power... heck, we've even got wheels on these ships so we can roll right up onto shore."  And the recruit says, "I didn't know that."  So the captain says, "Stick your head out that port hole.  You'll see the wheels yourself."  So the recruit looks out the porthole and says, "I don't see any WHEEEEEELS!"


What makes a Gibson guitar better than an ex-wife?
You can put your hands around the neck without going to jail.


A young couple is on their honeymoon.  After having great sex, the husband says to the wife, "Now, you won't see me for awhile."
Upset, the wife says, "What do you mean?  We're on our honeymoon!  Where do you think you're going?"
"Nowhere, sweetheart," said the husband.  "Turn over."


Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married.


What's the only pick-up line guaranteed to work every time?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at
the altar," the Preacher says.  
 Manny gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Manny, what do you want me to pray about for you?"  
Manny  replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Manny's ear, and he places the other
hand on top  of Manny's head and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and
asks,  "Manny, how is your hearing now?"  
Manny says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next  Wednesday!"


A 10 year-old kid's mother is at work, and he's off the wall, jumping on the couch, out of control.  The father, at wit's end, gives the kid a dollar and says, "Go into town and buy a dollar of 'what's what.'  So the kid goes to every store he can find and asks for 'what's what.'  The store owners say, "What do you mean, 'what's what'?  get outta' here, kid."  The kid's about to give up when he rings a random doorbell of a home.  A naked woman answers.  The boy looks at her and says, "What's that?" 
She replies, "what's what?" 
So the kid says, "Excellent.  I'll take a dollar's worth, please." 


CLASSIC MARRIAGE QUOTES

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.



A guy's sitting in a Louisville restaurant.  The waitress asks him what he wants for dessert.  So he looks over at Rick Pitino's table and says, "I'll just have what he's having."



What's the difference between an American girl and an Iraqi girl?
American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.


What's the ultimate internet pick-up line?
"Hey, baby - wanna' come back to MySpace so you can Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?"


Breaking news following Michael Jackson's death: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!

Other great Michael Jackson death jokes:

Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.

Michael Jackson's last words:
Take me to the Children's Hospital!!

Michael Jackson's last words:
Take me to the Children's Hospital!!

What was Michael Jackson's last hit?
The floor!


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.  Why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


 A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage
 counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" 
  She says, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." 
  The counselor turns to her husband and asks, "Is that true?
  The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that  suffers, not me."



Farrah Fawcett went to Heaven and got her wings.  God said to her, "I will give you one wish."  Farrah said, "I want all the children in the world to be safe."  The next day, Michael Jackson died.  So God said to Michael Jackson, "I feel bad about taking you so early, so I'll give you one wish."  Michael said, "I always wanted to be white."  So God thought for a few minutes and then finally said, "Get that Oxy-Clean Billy Mays guy up here." 



The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their
mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said
her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My
mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the
principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you
said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave
me an apple and asked for my phone number."


Bret Michaels, singer for the '80s hair-band Poison, suffered a broken nose when he was struck by a piece of descending scenery at the Tony Awards on Broadway. Sadly, the injury has robbed Michaels of his ability to smell desperate skanks from miles away.


What's the best way to own a small business these days?
Buy a big one and be patient.


One day, a hippie was walking down the street, and spots a penny face up on the ground. "Hey," the hippie thinks, "that's some good luck!", so he picks it up and slips it in his pocket. As he rounds the corner, he bumps into a pixie, floating in mid-air.

"You're definitely in luck young man, because you just found MY lucky penny, and if you give it back, I'll give you two wishes."
The hippie pulls out the penny and gives it back to the pixie, and then sits against a building to think for a minute.

The pixie patiently waited as the hippie pondered, and after a few minutes, he looks up and says "I wish I had a never ending joint!".
The pixie grins mischievously and pulls a good-sized fatty out of her pocket. The hippie lights up, puffing once, twice, four times... After ten puffs, the joint hasn't burned down a bit, the cherry still sitting perfectly on the end.

At this point, the pixie is getting a little impatient, and taps the very stoned hippie on the shoulder- "Well, what's your second wish?"
Without missing a beat, the hippie says "Dude, I want another one of these!"



Former Boston infielder Lou Merloni recently told reporters that the Red Sox taught players how to use steroids. Judging by his 14 career home runs, Merloni must have a learning disability.


To raise awareness for breast cancer, Major League Baseball used pink
bats on Mother's Day.  To raise for awareness for steroids, they used
tiny, shrivelled balls.


The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "what part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds, "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny , who responds: "That's easy, the pupil of the eye!" "That's correct, Johnny. Very Good!" Then turning to Jessica, she says: "I ve three things to say to you young lady...first, you didn't do your homework, second, you have a dirty mind and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

A man married a woman who had an identical twin, but less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. The judge said "tell the court why you want a divorce". "Well, your honor" the man said, "once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife look alike Id end up making love to her by mistake". "Surely there must be a difference between the 2 women" the judge said. "Youd better believe theres a difference" the man said, "Thats why I want a divorce!"

A guy is driving his kids through the desert in Texas and the first thing they see is a cowboy chasing a coyote down the street. The cowboy caught the coyote and started having sex with it in broad daylight in the middle of the street.
     The father got all irate and said, "I got to report this to the sheriff."
     He runs to the sheriff's office and on the way encounters an old man on a porch masturbating in public.
      When he gets to the sheriff’s office he’s steaming, “What kind of town is this? The first thing me and my kids see is a cowboy chasing a coyote down and having sex with it ! Then we saw an old man masturbating on his front porch! How do you explain it?"
     The sheriff says, "Well, at his age you can’t expect him to catch a coyote can you?"


A woman delivering a baby is screaming in agony.  She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me!"
The boyfriend replies, "Well, if you remember, I actually wanted to stick it up your (bleep), but you said that'd be too painful."


Two drunks were in a bar staring into their drinks, and one says to the other, "Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
And the other drunk says, "Sure, I was married to one for 15 years."


Two lesbians are siting in a bar when one spots another lesbian sitting across the room.
One of the lesbians at the bar says to the other, "She's hot!"  To which her friend replies,
"Don't bother with her.  She's hung like a donut."

A couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used
to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.

After listening to their complaints, the therapist suggested
they try a new position.

"For example," the therapist said, "you might try the wheel-
barrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying
this new idea right away.

"Well, all right," the hesitant blonde wife said, "but only
on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop
right away."

"OK, honey," the husband said. "What's the second condition?"

The wife replied, "You just have to promise we won't go past my mother's house!"


Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."


Did you hear what they're going to name the new Yankee Stadium?
The House That Juice Built.


DETROIT, MICHIGAN
Detroit Police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Detroit River. 

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey.

He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass. 

The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.

An old retired couple is reminiscing about the past and the wife says, "You know, all those years you travelled on business to foreign, exotic places, you never brought me back anything."
And the husband looks at her and says, "Yeah, I guess I was just lucky."


The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .  The team signs him to a one year contract and the
kid joins the team for the preseason.  Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the
Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation -scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.
      When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
      The young Iraqi is very upset, "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."
    "Sorry? You're sorry? !!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"


What do Rhode Island teachers tell their students on Wednesday?
"Have a great weekend."


Two whales are sitting in a bar, and one whale says to the other one, (make repeated whale call sounds).  And the other whale says, "Man, you are drunk!"


A guy booked himself into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."


Why can't a fat guy ever make it through a porno?
Because he ejaculates when the pizza guy shows up.


President-Elect Obama was wondering what kind of dog to get his family for the White House, so he asked Bill Clinton for advice.  Clinton told him that a husky female goes well in the Oval Office.


What do you call a leper in a car accident?
A puzzle.


What did Michael Jackson give his kids for Halloween?
Blow Pops.


What do parents say to lawyers that should be illegal?
My son's just a juvenile.  Do you think you can get him off?


A stockbroker's comment on the recent meltdown on Wall Street, 'This is worse than a divorce…..I have lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.'


Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
 The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful.  And look at  the 
price!" The first one says, with eyes wide, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." The second one smiles and pats him on the back, saying "Good idea! Order one and, if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too." Three weeks later, the younger redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever
receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now.  I got  her clothes yesterday !


If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.


Why did Paul have a black eye after going on a fishing trip with Al?
Because when Al told Paul he needed to take a leak, Paul said, "Okay, do you want me to hold your rod while you go?"


How do you know you have a Rambo gerbil?
He goes in and brings two friends out.


Did you hear Chuck Norris once had a "who has more testicles contest" with Lance Armstrong?
Chuck won by five.


Why is Fall River the best place on earth?
Because it's the only place where you can get a B.J., a bag of heroin, and a chourico sandwich all for 20 bucks, and all on the same corner. 


My mother got breast cancer and had to have one breast removed.  You know what I got her?

A part-time job at Hooters.


Why did David Lee Roth need a squirt gun?
Because that's the only way he's getting girls wet these days.


Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

    "Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."
     Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary
    "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"
     The second guy replies, "You were right."



A woman took a vacation to France with one of her girl-
friends.
Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good
trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something
back for you?"
The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!" 
 The lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the
terminal.
Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and
asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Really great, I loved Paris."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the French girl?"
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait
nine months to see if it's a girl."



What's the difference between frustration and panic?
Frustration is the fist time you discover you can't do it the second time.
Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.


A woman talking to her friend says, "I really have to be careful not to get pregnant."
The friend says, "Why? I thought your husband got a vasectomy."
And the woman says, "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean."


Did you hear the good news?  martians have landed in California.  They're eating politicians, peeing gasoline, and they're headed east.


What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
Morning sickness.
 

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.  The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
  "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
  "Six pence," says the pharmacist.
  "How much for a new one?"
  "Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
  The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
pharmacy,
kilt swinging.
  A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go
up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
  "The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."


A judge says to the prostitute, "So, when did you realize you were raped? 
The prostitue, wiping away tears, says, "When the check bounced."


The Pope called his Mom after being elected Pope.  He said, "Ma, I've got some good news and some bad news."  His mother says, "Well, what's the good news?"  He says, "The good news is, I've been elected Pope."  His mother responds, "So, what's the bad news?"  And he says, "The bad news is, I have to move into an Italian neighborhood."


How are breasts and martinis the same?
One's not enough, and three is too many.


A boss told his employees that he is planning a salary raise.
One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."


What did they call the guy who buried the Red Sox jersey under the new Yankee Stadium?
The "Jersey Barrier."