NO ASS JEANS
I bought them all. Every pair left in the state. Two pair were in the back room of the Lucky Brand store waiting to be shipped back to the company. I called my girlfriend in Atlanta. She went over to the Lucky Brand store in Perimeter Mall and bought all the ones they had in stock.
I've worn jeans all my life and now I have a stockpile of jeans that fit me. You see, I have no ass. All my life I've worn jeans and all my life they've fallen off my ass. They end up sagging down to my tailbone. I've tried every brand. On sale, or off, I've paid the price in my desperate search to find a pair of jeans that actually fit me for five minutes before they fell off my ass.
I was born and raised in Minnesota. Minnesotans have an ass problem. They don't have one, or if they do, it's flat and not round. Even overweight people in Minnesota have no ass. They have more of it, but it's just bulk. Their jeans fall off their ass as well. They don't get a butt by gaining more weight; they just add more flesh to a flat slab of dough.
About two years ago I tried on Lucky Brand jeans. They fit me better than most jeans so I bought them. They still drooped a bit, but not as bad as other brands.
Then Lucky Brand came out with a style called "Dean". Maybe they were named after James Dean, a much acclaimed young actor who died early in his career after wrapping his Porsche around a tree trunk. I know they weren't named for Dean Rusk, a rather chubby guy who served in the Kennedy and Johnson administrations. Who the hell remembers Dean Rusk? When I saw the name "Dean" sewn into the waistband, I thought about the actor, not the former Secretary of State.
I tried them on. They sat right at my waistline and formed themselves around my nearly nonexistent butt. I knew these were something special, a denim miracle for people like myself who are challenged by flat rear bumpers. I can walk around all day and they never slip off my waist.
I had a premonition that maybe I should pick up a spare pair, just in case they stopped making them. That's when I found out they were being discontinued because people with asses didn't buy them. I grabbed every pair left in Rhode Island. My girlfriend lives in Atlanta. She picked up every pair in my size before they were shipped out.
Something that fits you is an essential item of clothing, especially when you wear them every day. Without Dean Jeans, I'd be back in No Ass Nevada. Right now, after wearing them all day, they're right at my waistline and not half way down to the floor. For that I'm grateful. If you have a premonition, go with it. You'll find it fits you perfectly.